FoN's Commented Version Of My Immortal
by FlowerOfNaraku
Summary: Only read this if you don't mind your braincells melting inside your head.
1. Chapter 1

_(FoN: Okay, to everyone who has read My Immortal… I'm so very, very sorry. I hope this will help with the healing. To everyone who hasn't read my immortal… do. It'll melt your brain, but in a funny way. To everyone who wrote My Immortal (I'm including you in that, Raven)… Thank you so much! It's made me laugh more than anything else I've ever read online!_

_This Commented version made by the amazing ME shall be unlike anything the world has seen before! Apart from the thousands of other commented versions which I'm sure are out there. Whatever. My Comments shall look like this (FoN: *blank*) because I'm awesome like that. And I'll be writing down my thoughts as I read it for the first time. Apart from chapters 30+ , I've never got that far. Oddly. Anyway, lets get on with it! Oh, and this chapter is written because Qoheleth is awesome. Go read his stories . After reading this of course.)_

Chapter : Special fangz _(FoN: Eh?) _(get it, coz Im goffik) (_FoN: Oh god, it's a joke.)_ 2 my gf (ew not in that way_(FoN: Ew? Why ew?) _raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. _(FoN: Couldn't she of helped with THIS part?) _U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX! _(FoN: MCR… MCR….Nope, Don't know them)_ my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way (FoN: The Mary Sue bell is ringing inside my head) and I have long ebony black hair _(FoN: Still ringing)_ (that's how I got my name_ (FoN: You had long ebony hair when you were born? Freaky)_) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears _(FoN: Mary Sue bell just keeps getting louder)_ and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee _(AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!(FoN: *gets "Da hell out of here"* Oh wait, I can't because I have to finish writing this. Silly me. ). _I'm not related to Gerard Way (_FoN: Tara, if she isn't related to him choose another last name… avoid the confusion)_ but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie _(FoN: Incest already! What a nice story.) _. I'm a vampire _(FoN: Say what?) _but my teeth are straight and white _(FoN: I've gone deaf due to ringing). _I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, _(FoN: Eh?) _and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts _(FoN: What the freak? This is a Harry Potter fan fic? That's scary.) _in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth _(FoN: Oh my god! How surprising!) _(in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black._ (FoN: If you were a goth and wore mostly pink and blues I'd be a little surprised.)_ I love Hot Topic _(FoN: Never heard of it. Which likely means it's a made up shop in the harry potter universe.. Well, this one)_ and I buy all my clothes from there. _(FoN: All of your clothes? Maybe you should try other shops sometimes)_ For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it _(FoN: Do you even know what a corset is?) _and a black leather miniskirt,_ (FoN: Slutty)_ pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, **(FoN: Yay) **white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow (_FoN: Too… much… make up…)_ I was walking outside Hogwarts _(FoN: Oh yeah, I forgot this was a Harry Potter fan fic)_ .. It was snowing and raining _(FoN: At the same time? Major Ehing)_ so there was no sun, which I was very happy about._ (FoN: So you don't sparkle?) _A lot of preps stared at me. _(FoN: Eh, what's a prep)_ I put up my middle finger at them._ (FoN: So Lovely)_

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up.

It was…. Draco Malfoy!

_(FoN: Oh God No. Please have mercy on my soul. Do not let her date him.)_

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly. _(FoN: Shyly? Please… God… have mercy!)_But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. _(FoN: How Polite.)_

_(FoN: Well, that's the end. Thank god.)_


	2. Chapter 2

_(FoN: Yay! Chapter two already! Thanks to Carla for the lovely review , and to everyone who read part one . Special thanks goes to everyone who is reading this now! Anyway, to recap, Ebony is a Mary Sue and she's going to date Draco Malfoy, destroy canon and make us all cry. That's about it. Oh, and thanks to Mawile for being awesome._

_WAIT! I ALMOST FORGOT SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT! Somebody amazing online has informed me that hot topic is a real store! Sorry for the mistake!)_

Chapter : Fangz _(FoN: Oh god please don't say "Fangz" … it is one of the worst puns I ever heard.) _2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok! _(FoN: What are preps! And you got flamed already? Wow.) _

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. (_FoN: Nice change from all those times you wake up in skips and dumpsters, right?) _It was snowing and raining again. _(FoN: IT HARDLY EVER SNOWS IN ENGLAND! It's hardly going to **SNOW AND RAIN AT THE SAME TIME TWICE IN A ROW!)**_ I opened the door of my coffin _(FoN: Eh.) _and drank some blood (FoN:Eh times two) from a bottle I had (FoN: Where did the blood come from?). My coffin was black ebony (FoN: How surprising~!) and inside it was hot pink velvet _(FoN: Hot pink? How gothic.) _with black lace on the ends _(FoN: How does that work?)_. I got out of my coffin_ (FoN: I thought you were already out.) _and took of my giant MCR _(FoN: Would you just explain who MCR are for god's sake?)_ t-shirt which I used for pajamas. _(FoN: Pyjamas, not Pajamas)_ Instead, I put on a black leather dress, _(FoN: How surprising! A goth wearing black! It's as if the world is mostly made out of water!)_ a pentagram necklace_ (FoN: You worship… the devil? Weirdo.)_, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, _(FoN: Ow Ow Ow Ow. I'm surprised your ear didn't fall off) _and put my hair in a kind of messy bun. _(FoN: Eh?)_

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven_ (FoN: Does she have to be in it? Can't you think up people who aren't based on yourself/ your friend?)_ dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me_.(FoN: Grinning? But aren't Goths not allowed to grin ! How un gothic of her_!) She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. _(FoN: Hold on, she grinned at you without opening her eyes? Her sense of smell must be good)_ She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt _(FoN: Oh my god, I just laughed out loud)_ with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner_. (FoN: You both wore the exact same make up? Isn't foundation meant to fit your skin tone, so unless you two are freakishly similar…. )_

"OMFG, _(FoN: Random F-bomb!)_ I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" (_FoN: Random Sentence-bomb!)_ she said excitedly. _(FoN: Random Excitement-bomb!)_

"Yeah? So?" _(FoN: Sane answer.) _I said, blushing. _(FoN: Blushing? I said no dating draco! God, PLEASE!)_

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room _(FoN: The one under the lake?) _and into the Great Hall.

"No I so f-ing _(FoN: There was a random F-bomb so I censored it because I'm lovely like that : D)_ don't!" I shouted. _(FoN: THANK GOD!)_

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me. _(FoN: No no no no no)_

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily. _(FoN: NOOO! GOD! You betrayed me!)_

"Guess what." he said._ (FoN: He said it … he didn't ask, he said.)_

"What?" I asked_.(FoN: She understands the rules about asking)_

"Well, Good Charlotte _(FoN: GC? Not MCR… WHO ARE MCR?)_ are having a concert in Hogsmeade_.(FoN: Is Good Charlotte a muggle band? Let me look them up. THEY ARE! WHY THE HELL WOULD THEY PLAY IN HOGSMEADE_?) " he told me.

"Oh. My. F-ing _(FoN: More censoring :D)_ . God!" I screamed._ (FoN: Over reaction!) _I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR_.(FoN: WHO IS MCRR)_

"Well…. do you want to go with me_?"(FoN: NO SHE DOESN'T!) _he asked. _(FoN: Oh, so you can ask things now?)_

_(FoN: _**I looked at him with eyes full of scorn. "No way Draco! Now go back to the land of canon!" I shouted.)**

I gasped.

_(FoN: Well, that's the end. Please give me reviews! Especially good ones :p)_


	3. Chapter 3

_(FoN: Yay ! I'm writing chapter three! Thanks to everyone who reads my Story! It hope it makes you laugh. And if it doesn't that's your own fault, I'm really funny. Oh, yes, recap time. Ebony is a mary sue who is going to a concert with Draco Malfoy to destroy canon. Special thanks to Bunny for the super sweet review! You are awesome!_

_Oh and sorry to anyone who is a fan of GC, because I insult one of their songs a little in this chapter. Sorry!)_

Chapter : STOP FLAMMING _(FoN: More flame reviews? The story hasn't even got to the worst/best parts yet!) _DA STORY PREPZ _(FoN: SOMEBODY EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT A PREP IS!) _OK! Odderwize _(FoN: Odderwize? Udder Wiz?) _fangs _(FoN: STOP FANGZING ALREADY!) _2 da goffik _(FoN: goffik, the true spelling of the word gothic.) _ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! _(FoN: Raven, please please please please start editing the Author Notes.) _oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte. _(FoN: You misspell the name of one of the bands you fangoff (geddit? Because she's goffik.) over. Wow._)

the night of the concert _(FoN: You didn't even say yes to that yet!) _I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped _(FoN: Did you fall?)_ red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress _(FoN: Again, a Goth (goff) wearing Black? This story is so crazy!)_ with all this corset stuff _(FoN: Wow, thanks for clearing up what corset stuff is) _on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet _(FoN: You already have red ripped ones on_..) on my arms _(FoN: EH?) _. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky _(FoN: Spiky?…) _. I felt a little depressed _(FoN: I made my hair spiky! How depressing!)_ then, so I slit one of my wrists _(FoN: EH!) _. I read a depressing book (FoN: Such fun!) while I waited for it to stop bleeding (_FoN: Put a bandage on it! Don't wait for it to stop bleeding!) _and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black _(FoN: Lovely.) _and put on TONS of black eyeliner _(FoN: Didn't she hear of less is more?) _. Then I put on some black lipstick _(FoN: Why do we care?) _. I didn't put on foundation _(FoN: You do that first anyway, that's why it's called Foundation) _because I was pale anyway _(FoN: You did in all the other chapters!)_ . I drank some human blood _(FoN: Where did she get that, on the black market? Or does she lure humans into her lair and drain them of blood, before killing them with her goffik powers?) _so I was ready to go to the concert. _(FoN: finally.)_

I went outside. _(FoN: You didn't say where you where before!) _Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. _(FoN: Yay for flying cars!) _He was wearing a Simple _Plan (FoN: Who?)_ t-shirt (they would play at the show too _(FoN: Who?) _), baggy black skater pants _(FoN: Yay!) _, black nail polish _(FoN: Yay! Wait, nail polish on a guy?) _and a little eyeliner _(FoN: Eh?) _(AN: A lot fo kewl boiz _(FoN: Kelp Bios?) _wer it ok!).

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice. _(FoN: You can't say "Hi Draco!" in a depressed voice. And what is a depressed voice anyway?)_

"Hi Ebony." he said back. _(FoN: He wanted to say "Ahh! She looks scary!" But she used her goffik mary sue powers.) _We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz _(FoN: Eh?) _(the license plate said 666 _(FoN: … I'm pretty sure you can't do that)) _and flew to the place with the concert. _(FoN: Okay?) _On the way we listened excitedly _(FoN: I thought you were depressed?) _to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes _(FoN: You'll be dead before your time. YAY_!) and drugs _(FoN: Role model for you.) _. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car _(FoN: There is no way this girl is depressed.)_ . We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down _(FoN: Yep, no way she's depressed)_ as we listened to Good Charlotte.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood _(FoN: Lovely)_They're all so happy you've arrived _(FoN: yay.)_The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom _(FoN: This song is lovely.)_She sets you free into this life. _(FoN: This life?) _" sang Joel _(FoN: Who?) _(I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song _(FoN: I'm mildly surprised.))._

"Joel is so f-king _(FoN: Random F-bomb!) _hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him _(FoN: I'm pretty sure he knows that he'll be the guy singing.) _as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Draco looked sad. _(FoN: Depressing.)_

"What's wrong?" _(FoN: does he need a reason to be sad if he's depressed?)_ I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on. _(FoN: To what?)_

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU _(FoN: … Hey, I bet you knew that FoN stands for Flower Of Naraku_!)!" I said.

"Really?" _(FoN: Ew.) _asked Draco sensitively _(FoN: How romantic . I'm weeping.) _and he put his arm around me all protective. _(FoN: No one cares)_

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel _(FoN: Duh.) _and he's going out with Hilary f-king _(FoN: Random F-bomb!) _Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. _(FoN: She has an ugly blonde FACE?)_

The night went on really well, (_FoN: You slit your wrists ! That's a really good night to you?) _and I had a great time. So did Draco _(FoN: Afterthought already.) _. After the concert, we drank some beer _(FoN: Such a great role model) _and asked Benji _(FoN: Who?) _and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees _(FoN: Did Hot Topic make them? I thought you bought all your clothes from hot topic.)_. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz _(FoN: You crawled in?.) _, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest! _(FoN: OMIGODHOWSURPRISING!)_


	4. Chapter 4

(FoN: No reviews this time. Ah, well. Thanks to everyone reading this! Please give me some good reviews. They make me happy '-'

I'm ill which means I may upload a lot of chapters in a row.)

_Chapter : I sed stup (FoN: Sidestep?) _flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY _(FoN: Ebony's name is Enoby… that makes sense_.) nut mary su _(FoN: Nut Mary Sus! NO NOEZ!) _OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV _(FoN: THEY LIKE MET EACH OTHER TWO DAYS AGO)_ wif her dat he is acting deferent _(FoN: Eh…) _! dey nu eechodder b4 ok! _(FoN: Die new udder chowders?)_

"DRACO!" I shouted _(FoN: Why is she shouting?). _

"What the f-k _(FoN: Random F-bomb!)_ do you think you are doing?" _(FoN: Driving?)_Draco didn't answer _(FoN: What a bad boyfriend) _but he stopped the flying car (_FoN: In mid-air?_) and he walked out _(FoN: He'll die YES!) _of it. I walked out of it too, curiously. _(FoN: __**I fell screaming for help to the gothic gods. I landed heavily, and my spine broke, and I was dead. THE END)**_

"What the f-king _(FoN: Random-F-bomb) _hell?" I asked angrily.

_(FoN: You have mood swings)_"Ebony?" he asked. _(FoN: … Ebony what? And her name is enoby! It says in the Author notes!)_"What?" I snapped. _(FoN: What is wrong with you?)_Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes _(FoN: He has red eyes? Okaaaayyy)_ (he was wearing color contacts _(FoN: Why?) _) which revealed so much depressing sorrow _(FoN: Oh goodie!) _and evilness _(FoN: Evilness? Eh, I get that you are "Goffik" but last time I checked that didn't mean EVIL.) _and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.

_(FoN: You scare me.)_And then… suddenly just as I (_FoN: Did what?) _Draco kissed me passionately. _(FoN: Please keep it PG…) _Draco climbed on top of me _(FoN: PLEASE!)_ and we started to make out keenly _(FoN: Okay, to everyone who commented on this _

_**keen **_

_Adj_

_1. enthusiastic: eager and willing to do something _

_So for once tara is RIGHT.) _against a tree. He took of my top_ (FoN: …) _and I took of his clothes _(FoN: Okay, Slutty guy and Sluttish girl_). I even took of my bra _(FoN: HOW SURPRISING!) . _Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what _(FoN: Best. Line. Ever.) _and we did it for the first time. _(FoN: Ebony, that is so not your first time.)_

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed _(FoN: She must of been really surprised)_.. I was beginning to get an orgasm _(FoN: Ew.). _We started to kiss everywhere _(FoN: Eww.)_ and my pale body became all warm _(FoN: Ewww.). _And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERF-KERS!"

_(FoN: New. Best. Line. Ever.)_

It was… ….Dumbledore!

_(FoN: That's a real surprise!)_

_(FoN: So please give me some reviews!)_


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